Category Archives: Satire

Flaky millennial

This is a conversation between a millennial son and his 62 year old father in the year 2019.

 

Son (entering his OTP): Uber prices have gone up so much these days

Father (scrolling through WhatsApp chats): You should stop using Uber

Son: Very few buses go to my office, and the local train station is quite far. And it is so hot these days

Father: Stop giving excuses, and I am not asking you to go by bus anyway

Son: How are these excuses? These are legitimate reasons. If not by bus, how else would I go?

Father: I think you should buy a car

Son: I can’t afford a car

Father: We did so much to serve the nation, you can’t buy a car?

Son: I am not sure how that is related?

Father: How many movies did you watch this month?

Son: None

Father: Let’s go and watch Joker and War, I heard they are good

Son: I don’t think you will like either of them

Father: That is not the point. Book 4 tickets, I want a seat to keep my popcorn

Son: You don’t even like popcorn!

Father: Don’t argue! Why are you using cold water to take bath these days?

Son: I just said it is hot these days

Father: So? Bathe in hot water and then switch on the AC. We need to increase our electricity bill

Son: I am not sure I understand

Father: Also, don’t make any investments this year

Son: Are you ill or something?

Father: No point in putting money in PPF or FD, might as well pay more taxes

Son: Taxes?

Father: Yes. Also, sign these forms

Son: What are these? Loans? I don’t need loans

Father: You only said you can’t afford a car

Son: How can I afford a loan? And why are there so many forms? Personal loan? STUDENT loan?

Father: Yes, you are also replacing all our equipment and renovating the house for Diwali. New TV, washing machine, microwave and fridge. Can’t do this much also for your mother?

Son: But Mom didn’t tell me she wants any of these. And everything we have is barely 4 years old

Father: Not this mother

Son: I have another mother? What?

Father: We all have another mother. Don’t insult

Son: And student loan? Why do I need a student loan?

Father: You are forgetting your values. You should go study

Son: Study? Where? And what about my work?

Father: All that doesn’t matter. Just take admission somewhere

Son: Are you not getting enough sleep Dad?

Father: Yes, about sleeping, you will go and sleep in a hotel at least 1 night in a week, every week

Son: (slaps his forehead)

Father: Did you hurt yourself son? You should go to the doctor. Actually, go to the hospital, better that way, get an MRI done. Why take a risk no? Also, now that you are going to buy a car soon, you should start buying petrol, go, take this can and buy 5 liters and come

Future News: RBI eases withdrawal norms

MUMBAI: On Monday a senior RBI official announced new measures which he said he hopes would potentially and probably ease the suffering suffered by the suffering common sufferer. The new measures came as a huge relief for 7 Indian citizens. This journalist was able to speak with over 50% of these benefited citizens and all of them praised the foresight and compassion shown by the bank and the government, both of whom ironically are called central.

Among others, some of the measures announced were:

  1. All citizens who don’t have bank accounts will be allowed to open new bank accounts in 3 minutes under the ‘Please bank on us’ scheme and will be immediately allowed to withdraw unlimited amounts of money from any ATM in the country. There will however be a limit on their deposits which is set at ₹100 every 17 seconds.
  2. All unmarried people who have kids are allowed to withdraw ₹2 lakhs per kid per day provided they can furnish DNA evidence proving they are the parents of the said kid. This resulted in a lot quick Facebook ‘Relationship Status’ updates, however their children have been depressed ever since they were made aware that they will never be allowed to get a passport or any other government identification which requires both Father’s and Mother’s name, until the time the parents marry each other.
  3. All petrol pumps selling air turbine fuel will accept old and fake notes till 31st March 2019. This is said to be a major relief for all the common men who own cars which work on jet fuel.
  4. All those holding a salary account with any bank and earning a net income of less than ₹10,000 will be outside all withdrawals limit set till date, provided they have a minimum account balance of ₹2 lakhs and own at least 2 credit cards. This is seen as a direct reward for all in the lower and middle income group who have wholeheartedly embraced digital and electronic banking.
  5. Anyone living more than 15 kilometers away from the nearest bank branch are allowed to withdraw any amount they desire if their journey to the bank branch was on foot and they can tender such proof.
  6. All previous announcements made by RBI during ‘Rahu Kaalam’ have been revoked. All citizens benefited by these announcements will be investigated on once the auspicious time for all such investigations are announced by the relevant experts.
  7. All citizens who are suffering from serious withdrawal symptoms post the exit of Arnab Goswami from Times Now are allowed withdraw any amount of cash required to cope with their depression. A qualified dentist’s certificate would be necessary.
  8. All those who take an oath to stop honking while driving are allowed to withdraw ₹25,000 a day and they will be gifted this amount if they uninstall horns from all their vehicles. Bank managers will check the vehicles personally in these cases.

All through Monday there were violent protests by all rich tax payers as they see this as an invasive attack on their evasive practices.

It seemed like stress had taken a toll on Mr. Das as his usually impeccable spectacles looked heavily smudged and his tea-stained tie looked befittingly unfitting. When questioned on the absence of his boss at all public announcements, he said Mr. Patel has been busy signing all the new notes by hand to curb out counterfeiting and honour our soldiers. He then spontaneously started singing the national anthem, visibly moved by the patriotism displayed and sacrifice made by the Governor. Two journalists at the press conference suffered minor injuries. They later disclosed that they were surprised by hearing the national anthem and fearing public displeasure stood up too fast, the movement causing whiplash in their neck and back. They’ve been prescribed painkillers and balm but they said they don’t have cash to pay for the medicine.